This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
is it earth
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.