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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
ibopfufen
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.