Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
You Might Also Like
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.