Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms