me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
taking June’s advice to heart
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Why is no one talking about this?!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.