my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
TODAY
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?