centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Have a lovely day 😊
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*