Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
💯😂
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.