“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz