My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities