Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.