Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
forgive me baja for i have blast
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor