Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You Might Also Like
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune