If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
You Might Also Like
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.