me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.