Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I think this should do it.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide