My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Lmaoo 😂
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.