Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
In banana years, I am bread.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity