This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.