Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?