I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.