My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.