My work here is done
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?