I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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