Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
No, I don’t think I will.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”