I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You Might Also Like
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
North and South
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.