I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
They’re the worst 😩
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
man: wait
time: no
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.