Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*puts cutlery down*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house