The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
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Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there