me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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birds and squirrels envy us
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I hope they boil the right one.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?