My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
pelicons
“i am a sweet baby”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Them: You should try keto
Me:
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”