*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
😂💯
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
🚲+physics = winner