“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.