Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You Might Also Like
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
S M O L
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho