a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
found this cool rock hiking today
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”