Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.