I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
the official breakfast of 2021
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Sing it!
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.