I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.