Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he鈥檒l grow a few feet overnight
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn鈥檛 just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Get a dog they said 鈥hey never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Dispatch: 911 what鈥檚 your emergency
Me: I鈥檓 being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won鈥檛 stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma鈥檃m, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
You think you鈥檝e got problems? This is what I鈥檓 having for dinner
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 馃槨
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother鈥檚 Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT鈥橲 NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 馃幍Sweet Caroline馃幍
From a distance: 馃幍Bah bah bah馃幍
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.