A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
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“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
doctor鈥檚 receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you鈥檙e not gonna believe this
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Boating season is upon us.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren鈥檛 using them
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I鈥檓 lying, are you going to ask the animal you don鈥檛 think i can talk to, sir?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I鈥檓 never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she鈥檚 5 now.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you鈥檙e not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I鈥檒l slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we鈥檒l call it a day.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald鈥檚 uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you鈥檇 cling to something other than yourself.
– me
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.