It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.