A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Well, that didn’t work.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night