🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Cha-ching is my safe word
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?