I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Always
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.