My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Bike is short for Bichael.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Where is your GOD now????
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.