Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.