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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Pass gas, not judgment.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees