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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I like long walks away from everyone
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Kermit goes Blue.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*