Good advice.
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go