I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
new year update: losing everything but weight
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Sometimes? I’m slipping
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.